Shit got real at the Max & Erma’s tonight. Lansing, bastion of etiquette that it is, gave me my second favorite restaurant fight, ever. The first, being the time a girl jumped into the Rally’s walk-up window and got into a fight with the grill cook (her cousin) whom she accused of stealing her weed. It was scary, but also absurdly hilarious. Spatulas were used as weapons. Tomatoes were thrown. Then the cook threatened her with a kitchen knife. There was weave hair in every condiment container. The police showed up, the girl fled and the next day the cook told me that the girl found her missing weed and apologized, so everything was cool.

Anyhow, this isn’t about that fight. Tonight, a young mother was at M&E’s with her mom and her son, in the middle section. The son was shrill and would periodically shriek. She was doing her best to calm him and she seemed like a decent mama, though she looked hood-as-fuck.** Now, I don’t really care for kids, but I know they holler and there’s not much you can do about a toddler when you’re in the middle of your meal.

A big family sat at the far end of the room. They were dressed nicely and had a newborn with them. How do I know that? Because instead of approaching the girl like a human being, someone at their table shrieked at her from across the restaurant, “Oh. My. God. Could you stop that child from screaming? We have a newborn and he’s trying to sleep and your kid keeps waking him up!”

Hood Mama, clearly pissed, said, “I’m sorry, he’s two. Sometimes they make noise.” She started working overtime, ignoring her meal, to keep the kid entertained. It worked. But I looked at my hubs and said, “There is no way he’s not going yell again and when he does, it’s gonna get ugly in here. I can feel it.”

Sure as shit, he shrieked and the woman yelled, “Oh. My. God, that’s it! This is ridiculous! We have a newborn! Blah-blah-blah entitlement!” Ok, I made up that last sentence. But it was there in subtext. Hood Mama had about two Tequila drinks in her at this point and apparently Tequila does NOT make her clothes fall off. It did however give her Hulk-rage. She yelled, “Excuse me? He’s two. They make noise!” The family yelled something else that I missed and Hood Mama stood up and yelled, “Are you fucking kidding me with this? He’s a little kid. Why don’t you mind your business?” The section went dead hushed. Then someone started yelling about her cussing in front of kids and she yelled back at them to shut up.

Then an old lady from a completely different table, marched up and got about six inches from Hood Mama’s face and said, “Don’t you ever speak like that in public to anybody! Don’t you ever!” Hood Mama’s eyes flashed fire and she went quiet and said, “You need to back outta face and mind your business. I don’t know you. You got no business in my personal space.” Then Hood Mama’s actual mama saw which way the wind was blowing, so she got between then and ordered the old lady to go sit down. The old lady said she was getting the manager and Hood Mama was like, “Yeah, you better! Cuz all I’m trying to do is eat my meal!”

So the old lady and her group stormed out. The waitstaff only caught the part where the girl swore so they didn’t know what the eff happened. The manager came over and talked to Hood Mama, who was embarrassed and in tears at this point. I think the manager scolded her. The girl apologized. The other family got up and walked out, and no one made eye contact with anyone. I’m sure they got their meal comped, which is BS.

When Hood Mama was packing up, she apologized to the people who remained in the section. I went up to her and I offered her a hug and she took it. She told me she’d had a few drinks, otherwise she wouldn’t have said that. Yeah, I don’t really believe that. I told her that I wished she hadn’t swore (sworn?), but that those people were rude and they should have approached her like adults and not yelled across the restaurant. I told her to have a better night. She was actually very nice. Her mom came up and talked to me for a minute, very upset about the woman yelling in her daughter’s face. Then they left.

Not as good as the Rally’s Weave Throw Down, but still an interesting night.

Now you might think I was wrong to side with Hood Mama but as the wise Agent Jay once said, Don’t start none, won’t be none. The other family lost the high ground as soon as they started shouting across the restaurant. Also, it’s not a library. It’s not a nursery. It’s a restaurant. They are sometimes noisy. This is about civility. If you give it, you might get it. If you don’t bother with it, then a Hood Mama is gonna cuss you out and you’ll probably deserve it.

**Just an aside, but “hood as fuck” does not denote race. Hood Mama was white. But I am brown, and I lived on the rough side of town for a while. I know hood when I see it.